Global Domination

GD's verdicts - Best of 2013: Ironpants

24/12/13  ||  Ironpants

1. The Project Hate MCMXCIX: The cadaverous retaliation agenda

Yes, of course! And yes I know, it was released in 2012 but so late that it counts as a 2013 release. It’s my list, so fuck you! There isn’t anyone alive that honestly can say that he or she has fully comprehended this massive beast to include it on their last years “Best of 2012” list, if there was, they are liars. This is the album that earned the most playtime on my sound-system(s) this year. There is so much to discover that every listen gives you something in return. I almost took a shit out of my dick when I listened to it the first time in my car, and that feeling hasn’t been re-created by any other album so far. Hell, somewhere in the second song, I had a prolapse and my sphincter fell down, spinning around my right ankle like some horse-shoe tossed at a stick over at the county fair. Everything is perfect and I can’t stop listening to it. The drums are godlike, the bass is in your face, the vocals rocks cocks and the riffs are just so brutal, and yet the songs are melodic and wonderful.

Find your inner self here: We watch in silence as the Earth turns to blood

2: Witherscape: The inheritance

I have waited so long for this album, and finally it appeared. Before experiencing my first listen, I expected this to be more like EoS or Opeth, but it is not. The 80’s vibe is more apparent and the songwriting is top notch. Witherscape blends 80’s prog metal with harsh vocals and it is really a smoker, the concept of the album also gives the listener more bang for the buck. True craftsmanship from two thinkers and I really hope that this is not some one-time project.

Blowdry your hair to this: The math of the myth

3: Facebreaker: Dedicated to the flesh

When I sat down to clear my mind and tried to figure out what has made me bang my head this year it soon became very clear how basic I am really. “Hello – my name is Ironpants, I am a death metal freak and have been so for over 20 years”. There is no need to think more about that, my brain is constantly seeking for that perfect death metal album. This album is the third most played album this year, so basic and so down to earth but still so fucken great. You don’t need hundreds of effects and symphonic samples to win me over, just plain, good, groovy death metal. The vocals are outstanding and the sound is perfect. Some people like their earlier works more, I say… no! This is their best effort ever, the more they slow down, the better it gets.

Consume raw flesh to this: Zombie flesh cult

4: F.K.Ü.: 4:Rise of the mosh mongers

This albüm just makes me happy and feel good aboüt myself, a strange feeling that I am not very familiar with. They present so incredibly awesome and great thrash metal, that it’s almost embarrassing. There is so many great songs on this creation that they shoüld receive an award of some kind. Thrash metal has not made me this excited since, well, since I foünd my first pübes and that’s more than a centüry ago. The vocals is über, the riffs are exciting and catchy and the drüms are tight and snappy as fück. Feel-good thrash at its best!

Tear yourself a new one with this: Black hole hell

5: Necrowretch: Putrid death sorcery

Yeah, once again we are back to the basics. This album produced a feeling equal to that if a rabid wolf turned up and chewed my nut sack off and I had to wrestle it down and kill it with my bare hands to get it back, and when I did that, it still felt like it was sewed back the wrong way. A pure, deadly, black energizer reminding me of how it is supposed to be done. I fucken love the attitude and aggression on this album, and I can’t wait to see how these youngsters will develop. I thank them for reminding me of how vital death metal actually can be.

Go apeshit here: Putrid death sorcery

CLOSE, BUT NO FOUNTAIN ORGASM:

(without any particular order)

Carcass: Surgical steel

Pretty awesome comeback, and if they had put just a little more emphasis on their roots they would have gone all the way.

Tell me that I am wrong to this: The Master Butcher’s Apron

Ghost: Infestissumam

So close, but some of the songs are just a little bit too poppish to warrant a top notch rating.

But still, it is backwards and evil: Depth of Satan’s eyes

Toxic Holocaust: Chemistry of consciousness

Yes, this is a good one, I get all rowdy and want to get up and headbang and thrash shit up when I put this on. Too bad I don’t have any hair, and are too weak to actually manage to break stuff.

Wreck your place to this: Out of the fire

Satyricon: Satyricon

After a few spins extra on this sucker it grew like an inflatable phallus inside me. You don’t hear the greatness at first just because of the dry production. Give it a chance, it’s worth it.

Best song of the year: Phoenix

Hail Of Bullets: III: The Rommel chronicles

In a way very much the same goes for this album as for Facebreaker, but these Dutchmen are a small tad below in sperm count.

Pardon my French: Pour le Mérite

Jex Thoth: Blood moon rise

I knew from the start that I would love this album, and of course, I was right

Just listen damnit! : Keep Your Weeds

FLACCID COCKS OF 2013:

Newsted: Heavy metal music

I actually thought that Jason would emerge as the savior of Metallica-metal. He didn’t…

The Devil’s Blood: III: Tabula rasa or death and the seven pillars

A lesson in how to totally wreck something good. I had hopes for this. What the actual fuck?